Attack of the Kiwibirds!
by Lunar Kestrel
Summary: What do you get when you mix a brown fuzzy, two angry State Alchemists, and a hoard of kiwibirds, plus some evil paperwork? Total chaos! [oneshot]


**Attack of the Kiwibirds**

**Yo! It's me again, Lunar Kestrel. The way the kiwibirds get revenge is similar to what I call the cuckoo attack from Zelda Four Swords. You can still understand this without playing the game. OOCness, mostly in **

**Story dedicated to and inspired by coughkouichicough and her strange obsession with kiwibirds (Who can blame her? Kiwibirds are adorable!)**

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Edward Elric was sitting in Colonel Roy Mustang's office with his brother Alphonse. Mustang was late.

"If he wanted me to come here, he should have at least been here! I swear-"Ed stopped abruptly, staring at a fuzzy brown bird that had somehow gotten into the room, and was now standing in front of the State Alchemist. "What the heck is that _thing_!"

"I think that is a kiwibird, Brother, a flightless bird that resembles the fruit, kiwi," Al spoke up.

Ed picked up the fuzzy and observed it, "It's kinda cute! I think I'll keep it!"

The kiwibird let out a cry that faintly sounded like 'Edisshort'.

A vein pulsed in Ed's forehead, "What was that?"

The kiwibird let out another cry, "Edisshort!"

"Oh no, Brother, don't!" Al said, predicting what would happen.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT A KIWIBIRD COULD EAT HIM IN ONE BITE!" Ed exploded as he chucked the poor bird at the nearest thing, the wall. The kiwibird let out a loud little kiwibird noise, and out of nowhere, a million more little kiwibirds, with surprisingly sharp beaks, flew straight at Ed and Al, making evil sounds.

"Oh crud," Ed said, horror written all over his face. He and Al rushed for the protection of the Colonel's desk, and the humongous stack of paperwork that could serve as a temporary shield. The kiwibirds flew everywhere, breaking everything, especially Ed and Al. There seemed to be no end to them.

"This could take a while," groaned Ed. "Ow!" he sucked on his finger. Somehow, a kiwibird reached Ed's flesh-and-blood hand.

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_**Five Hours Later**_

Finally, the kiwibird attack had subsided. Al had multiple, okay, too many holes in his armor. Ed's automail arm was hanging from his shoulder, attached by a few thin metal strips. Also, Ed had a few holes poked in him by the sharp kiwibird beaks.

"Those things were vicious!" Al looked like he was about to faint. A suit of armor fainting? He must have been really been scared.

"I'll never eat another kiwi," Ed gulped.

Suddenly the door opened, "Sorry I'm five hours late! I decided to ignore you and go out to get Chinese food!" Roy laughed, holding up a take-out box.

"Great..." Ed said.

"You're not mad, wow, amaz- what happened to my office? What happened to you? Why is there a fuzzball on my shoe? You know, it's kinda cute, I think I'll keep it!" Roy slowly and dramatically leaned down to pick up the brown bird.

Al, once again predicting what would happen, along with his brother yelled at the Colonel, "NOOOOOOOO!"

Roy stopped abruptly, (Just like Ed!), "Please do not tell me that did what I think it just did on my shoe."

This time, the sound that the kiwibird let out sounded more like 'Relieeeeeeeeeef...'

A vein pulsed in Roy forehead. It was a new-found vein that no one knew existed. It will now be called the 'A bird just relieved itself on my shoe, and I'm angry!' vein. Mustang grabbed the short-winged bird and threw it at the nearest thing, which happened to be Ed, who jumped into Al, who jumped in a closet, knowing what would happen next. The kiwibird hit the next closest thing, Roy's stack of evil paperwork.

The kiwibird let out a loud little kiwibird noise, and out of nowhere, a billion more little kiwibirds, with surprisingly sharp beaks, flew straight at Roy, making evil sounds.

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Mustang had nowhere to hide, and was pelted by brown fuzzies with sharp beaks.

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**Seven Hours Later**

Riza Hawkeye knocked on Colonel Mustang's door, "Colonel Mustang sir, you have a new two pound stack of paperwork from the Fuhrer!" No answer, she opened the door, "Co...Oh my goodness!" There lay Colonel Roy Mustang, hairless, and apparently dead. Al tumbled out of the closet, with Ed in him, unharmed from the second attack, but still traumatized from the first. And to that day, Ed never ate kiwis (the fruit)again.

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**Ten Minutes Later**

The kiwibird snuck out of its hiding place, "Now for my next target, Scar!...Uh, I mean, um, kiwibird noise?" and the bird disappeared in a puff of smoke.

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**Hope you enjoyed my nearly pointless oneshot!**


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